watering hole

Going to church is like going to a watering hole
People gather from across the city
Not all the same breed but all 
Hoping to have something in them quenched

Somedays we all drink it in solemnly and slowly
Reverently being filled with life
Somedays we come and aren't sure if we really like drinking water
Being more attracted to the religion of self gratification
Somedays all we can do is sip and taste
Knowing there is more but having trouble believing
Somedays we all just splash around and have a good-ol-time
Reveling in the goodness that is God

Clarity at the Tomb

Luke 24:1
"On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb."


This hit me like a ton of bricks. These women had resigned themselves to the fact that their dear Jesus had been killed. He had tasted death irrevocable. They were following custom and culture by tending to Jesus' body, but I sense a tenderness in Luke's words born out of love not just duty. The women loved Jesus and learned to receive his love and now he was gone. All they could do now is learn how to cope with the dark reality and try to bring it a little beauty and fragrance to it even if the smell of death still lingered in the air.

What hit me is, that I thought that I would have to do exactly what these women were doing  if I followed God with everything I have. I had forgotten about the resurrection. I realized that I had wrongly been believing that God would sentence me to a life of coping and trying to find the beauty in a less than good situation. Granted sometimes we all go through dark seasons, but that is what they are... seasons.

Sometimes God allows struggles and trials, but in his love he could never impose on me a life of drudgery and leave me grasping for his goodness.

I am leaning to embrace this God of love that did not leave his son in the grave only to be adorned with spices and tears, but the God who fulfilled his promises of old and raised Christ from the dead. I am encountering a God who didn't stop there but "raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus," (Ephesians 2:6). I am discovering the God Paul knew when he say "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:23). I am getting to know the Jesus who reminds us "Suppose your son asks for bread. Which of you will give him a stone? Or suppose he asks for a fish. Which of you will give him a snake? Even though you are evil, you know how to give good gifts to your children. How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:9-11).

This is the God I want to serve.

the sum of the whole

what is life, but it is poetry;

words, deeds, feelings, 

ebbing and flowing

crashing one upon another.

full of mystery 

dark and light,

to be made sense of

if one can.

joys and sorrows mingled

tension and release

pressing and caressing

the mundane into something more. 

finding yourself in the middle

the black and white alphabet

surrounds and confounds.

cannot divine

the signs and seasons

till you are through.

only standing back

brings realization of

words and sentiments. 

but before 

when you are still in the 

mumble jumble of the between 

do not discount the pause;

each dot, dash, and tilde 

has meaning the same. 

do not gripe when you feel 

approaching monotony

for it might prove useful in the end.

till the breaking, the final period, 

no one can see the sum of the whole.

winter wait

Tonight I need to create...but I am not sure what or where or with what purpose. Life can move so fast and then all of a sudden just seem to stop and leave you wondering...what is really going on and do I make a difference? I feel a little dead and a little alone. Don't be worried, it is really nothing a little sunshine, fresh air, and earth can't fix. I guess maybe I am getting stir crazy or winter-worn. I love the feeling on sunshine on my bare skin. Until this winter I never realized how much of a California girl I really am. Also I think I am weary of waiting. It feels like, even when things start happening that God keeps me in a place of waiting. Sometimes it feel like I am stuck, or I haven't figured out what is going on and so I am left out of the fun. I know that this is not true, but it is really hard to tell your feeling that they are full of crap. Feeling seems so much bigger than reality sometimes.

It is so easy to dream and say "well one day when I have...it won't be like this anymore." But I know that a new friend, a husband, a new job, a new country, a new sweater, a new pair of socks, a new car, a baby, a  house, a kitten, a new album, a new hobby, a new adventure will not make all the feelings of dissatisfaction completely go away.

Only Christ can wholly satisfy the human heart.
Why is he the last place I turn?

Promises...

...I have thought a lot about God and his promises this past year. Through all of this musing and wrestling I have found some illumination.

There are over a thousand promises from God in the bible. Here are some of those close to my heart:

Romans 8:28 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Joshua 1:5 

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Isaiah 42:6  

"I, the LORD have called you  in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles"

Jeremiah 29:13 

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

Psalm 37:4 

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

What I know is that God is sovereign and He is good. If He at any point ceased to be those things, He would cease to be God.  What I struggle with, and I think most people struggle with, is seeing how God is good even when there is so much darkness in the world. A question that is so often asked is: "If God can fix                      ,then why doesn't he?" I have wondered that so many times this past year. Personally this year has been one of waiting on God and for him to fulfill his promises: to bring healing to dear friends, to fulfill the deep desire I have for a husband and family, to bring me back to India,  to allow me to see revival in India. Holding on to God and his promises has been beautiful and terrible. There is no better place to be than to be grasping tightly to God, but when you only see glimmers of him working and not hard evidence, you begin to get weary.  But through this year I have found hope, realizing that maybe I don't know what I am really waiting for. Yes I know I am waiting for God to fulfill his promise, that is black and white, but the fulfillment of the promises and my expectation of what that will look like may not be in sync.

Two thousand years ago, God's chosen people were waiting too. They were waiting for their Messiah, the deliverer. They were expecting and planning on it being someone to rescue them from the oppression from Rome. They were expecting someone like the victorious King David to come and beat Rome's butt. What came instead was a little baby, who had to be born in a barn because no one could make room for him in their house. What came was a man who grew up like a normal Jewish boy to work as a carpenter; a man who waited 30 years to begin his ministry, a ministry which didn't champion the mainstream Jewish culture, as was expected, but opposed it. He was a man who talked nothing of political uprisings or overthrowing Rome, but of an eternal spiritual kingdom, one that doesn't have boundaries or dynasties.

A huge portion of the promises in the Bible are about the Messiah. These promises had been studies for centuries. By the time Jesus showed up you would think that the Jews would have understood what they were looking for, but because of their misplaced expectations they ended up executing the very man they were waiting for. How many times do we do this, saying "God you couldn't really be in this." ? What if God gave the Jews what they wanted? We would not have gotten the Jesus of the gospels. We would not have gotten the expression of God's love, grace and mercy in human form. We would not have gotten the perfect sacrifice that makes is possible for all to come to God. The Jesus that came is vastly better than the Messiah that was expected. If Jesus had been a military savior, we might be reading about him in history books, but he would never change our lives today.

After realizing this I was challenged to evaluate my expectations of the promises of God. We all need to get our focus off what we want, or think we need, and put our focus on the character of God. When the day comes when I see God fulfill the promises he has given me, I am ready to lay down my expectations, and anticipate something better than I can even imagine. 

~If you want to read more look at this article in Relevant Magazine